it’s almost christmas!!!!

I’m excited this year. I’m looking forward to time off.  To new things and old friends. Grace i miss you a lot. I think about you all the time. I wanted to call you last night because Anna is coming back soon and it’s time for us to get together again. See you in heaven soon. Hope heaven celebrates Christmas.

So many people are in heaven this year.

unexpected

I love days that are more than i expected them to be. Had a great convo with a coworker today about religion. I’ve been wondering lately if religion is just something people use to comfort themselves and ease their fears. Somthing they can turn to when they have no answers. she asked me what my beliefs did for me.

To be honest, they don’t make my life easier. They make me feel less significant, less important. They are constantly challenging me and making me unhhappy with where i am. My beliefs are not for comfort. God is real. God speaks. He spoke today.

afterthoughts

After getting off a very long and draining phone call i started thinking. What is it that i’m living my life for these days? I’ve known for a while that i’m unhappy. It’s a different kind of unhappy from depression unhappy though. That was a hopeless how am i ever going to get myself out of this unhappy. This is a there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel but i never seem to be able to get there unhappy. I’ve been trying so hard to just pour myself into EVERYTHING believing that the harder i tried the happier i would be. I started with trying to find a job. Every time i’ve been still somewhere for too long i get restless and want to stir things up so i can get where i think i want to go. I keep trying to hurry along something. Finally when i was sitting on the train in occurred to me. Things don’t move on my time. No matter how badly i wanted the train to leave the second i got on and just get me home, it wasn’t going to leave until 5:26. No matter how badly i wanted the bus to skip all the stops because i had a rough day and just wanted to get home, it was going to stop every where it was supposed to stop. So i will venture to make an analogy. 

My life has been like sitting on a really really really slow moving train that’s been stuck in a tunnel. I see the light at the end of the tunnel so i keep trying to get there by moving seats or carts or jumping or shaking the train. No matter what i do. The train is not going to get there until it’s ready. Not saying that i am completely powerless in my life. But i am completely powerless to make it go exactly the way i want it to go. It sucks. But i guess that’s life. You gotta wait for all the other people to board the train. 

One thing that i have found similar between now and when i struggled with depression is the selfishness. When I am unhappy I am selfish. Maybe this is a natural reaction. Our body’s own defense. But it’s not God’s way. In the bible when people are struggling and unhappy and miserable and suffering God never tells them to retreat into themselves. He calls them outward. Even if it is just towards God and not others. Selfishness is dangerous. It’s addicting. I’m selfish. Because i’m selfish i’m reckless with my actions. Sure every once in a while i feel bad, but more i feel self pity and then the self pity makes me feel even worse about being selfish. 

My life is blessed. I have a job (it’s boring but it’s a job. it gives me hope of moving into my own apartment, getting somewhere i can have a dog, being an adult). I have a loving family (who despite what my dramatic mind likes to think has the best intentions of showing me their love) And for now, i have a boyfriend who today made me realize that i’ve been absolutely crazy lately. I’ve always known i’m weird and not stable. But it takes skill to get through to my vain and conceited self that i’m just absolutely wrong. My life is absolutely wrong. No matter how i try to justify anything i’ve been doing, it’s been selfish and wrong. I’ve been trying so hard that i’ve become counter productive. I’ve taken every failure personally, and ignored people who’ve tried to encourage me. 

I hate people who talk about their boyfriends. I always have. I always saw it as their way of rubbing it in people’s faces. I hate those stupid facebook statuses that are like oh…kyle’s the best and he got me this! And yes that’s actually a real post i saw. (There was a picture attached to the post) Today i’m not talking about my boyfriend. I’m just talking about Jared. As a person. I want to thank you for the wake up call. I want to thank you that you’ve made me realize that life is meant to be lived. Jesus was quite a simple man. He did extraordinary things, but with a simple mind and a simple heart. I however, have complicated everything to the point that everything is just…no where. Again…there i go. So thank you. Regardless of where our relationship goes in the future, i want to thank you today for that reminder. For knocking me off my high horse and making me realize that as i was trying to “fix” everything and “do” things, I was being stupid. Yes you can be an absolute ass hole sometimes and i still hate you for that, and most of the time i think we bring out the worst in each other. But today you brought out reality for me. Not the “realistic” side of me that i tell people i have when they think i’m cynical, but you were just real. 

I always make plans. When i have an epiphany my very next thought is ok what next, how can this change my life, how can i change, how can i make sure that this very thought changes my future. Ridiculous. Enough already. I’m happy with what i’ve learned today. I don’t know what it means for my future. I don’t know that it will change me. I have hope, I see light, I’m not blind. So now i just enjoy my train ride (now i’m referring back to the analogy that i kind of abandoned). not even enjoy my train ride. Not all of life is enjoyable. I accept that i am on a train. i am in a tunnel. I see a light. That is all.

Penguins

As i was standing in the cold today waiting for the train, it occurred to me that we all look like penguins. Everyone kinda waddles, has some sort of long coat with no neck, huddles in packs, and when the train pulls up everyone shuffles in. The only thing that was missing was the whole sliding on our bellies thing. Only consolation to it being freezing out: i see penguins everywhere. 

And sadly i already looked up when my next day off from work is. haha…day two of work down. I also got told i looked like the girl from the commercial “I’m 7 and i’m a pc!!!” excuse me, but i am not a pc. but on a side note i feel official now because i was issued my very own personal laptop. Whoa. I also called the mailman a woman. If you are really a woman, but are undergoing some sort of sex change can you blame me for thinking you’re a woman? Or if you’re a womanly looking man, chop off your balls. That’s all. 

Time to relearn how to fall asleep.

Jr. High

Why is it that music from Jr High makes me so happy? Was Jr high even a happy time for me?

it’s my birthday!

I feel old. Glad i still get asked if i’m in High School though.

I’m thankful for good friends, new memories, and chocolate.

Grace, missing you a lot today.

change?

ready for something new.

shopping

I love shopping by myself because i never feel alone. There’s a purpose to what i’m doing and i also get to walk around and see all these things and imagine them in my life. Some of it is real like ‘hey! this thing is on sale and i can afford it!’ Some of it is like playing house/dress up. ‘This will be great when i have an apartment/house or a wardrobe that has this and that’ But shopping takes me to another world where i get to play dress up or make believe. Sometimes i pick up something that i know i’m not going to buy and just carry it around the store because i want to shop like i’m going to buy that thing.

Yesterday i went shopping and found the cutest jewelry stand in the world. I walked around holding it and wanting to buy it, and found myself in the home appliance/kitchen section looking at things there. Then i stopped myself and was like…wait. I don’t spend time in my room so why make it cute? Who knows how long i’ll be here so why buy kitchen things. Then i realized that my entire afternoon was pointless because i spent it looking at halloween costumes i couldn’t afford and by the way i don’t even want to celebrate halloween. People’s costumes scare me. If halloween was dress up like a disney character or something funny or weird i would love it. But really it’s just scary. Then i went to old navy to buy stuff for Miley and realized that i was about to spend $20 on a dog buying her stuff she doesn’t need. Then i went to TjMaxx (where i found the jewelry stand) and realized that i don’t have money to spend on anything excessive and i should probably buy groceries since i haven’t eaten real food in like a week.

 

 

Love

I think i’ve forgotten how to love. It occured to me today that there aren’t many people that i really care about. In fact, i would say there aren’t any. As much as i depend on the people in my life, i don’t care for them. I don’t love anyone the way that love was intended to work. I love them in a very selfish, how can you benefit my life way. My parents drive me crazy because they constantly tell me they are praying for me. It annoys the hell out of me. I want to punch them in the face or throw my phone across the room because reading those txts just infuriates me. Like they think that they are somehow better than me and that my life is so sad and pathetic because I don’t have God. Then i realize that part of it is my own insecurities speaking. I say part of it, because part of it is also the fact that they are my parents and they always have annoyed the hell out of me. But for the most part i think it is my insecurities. It’s difficult for me to see love in what they are doing instead of judgement because i don’t see love for others in my life.

I spent the last two days packing my days full of meeting up with my friends from college and at the end of the day i felt a sense of accomplishment and pride. Like what i did was some great thing i had done for all of humanity. I was happy to see everybody, but it was sad that i’ve started applauding myself for doing such simple things that i should have been doing all along. It was sad that i felt like i had to fight for it. I’ve hated what my life has become lately. I feel like i’m entangled in something that i can’t get myself out of. Every day is this strange anticipation yet it all feels kind of hopeless. I keep thinking i’m bound to get a job eventually…but really, who’s to say i am? I mean necessity says i will eventually have some sort of way of making money, but that doesn’t mean i’ll eventually land a job doing what i want.

Then i remembered tonight that none of that matters. I’m not even praying for a job. Everyone else is praying for me. or at least tells me they are. but i’m not. I’m not even praying. I’m not even doing the basics. I’ve lost my passion for God before. I’ve forgotten how to love and follow God. But through those struggles my relationships with other people have always reminded me of God’s love. Lately everything around me just makes me angry. If someone tells me it’ll be ok and i’ll have a job eventually i feel like punching them in the face. Because nobody knows that. I don’t see any possibilities. When someone tells me to just chill i want to kill them. Literally. I’ve thought about killing people lately. Always in really cartoon like ways. Like dropping anvils or pianos on them. Or watching them run through a brick wall. but still. i wish harm upon people. Because i have nothing to chill about. I have no desire to chill. I am unhappy. There is no reason for me to chill. There is every reason for me to get up and change everything about my life.

Then i end up with the very inconclusive question of well how do i do that? And where the hell is this peace people find in God?Tonight i will try by praying. Supposedly God answers prayers. Usually his answers to prayers kinda suck. but i’m supposed to give thanks for that anyways. Sometimes i think about how fucked up all of this would be if God wasn’t real. I guess i’m at least thankful that God is real.

running away

i just want to keep running. i don’t want to turn back and look at the mess of everything. the muck i’m supposed to go through. The pain of healing. I don’t want any of it. I feel self destruction looming at every corner but i just keep running faster.

Going to champaign where i lost God and every sense of myself. Where the comforts of this world are so much easier to turn to than to turn to God for something real. I don’t want to face another heartbreak.

Grace i miss you so much. I think about what you would say now if you saw me. You would have been sad, but i know it wouldn’t have changed you. You would have prayed for me. You would have sat with me. You would have watched stupid movies with me and talked about boys and done Victoria’s hair for homecoming with me. I can’t stand thinking about how many things i regret. I regret not keeping in touch with you. Not going to China with you. Not talking about those stupid boys we shared yet were way too good for. I cut my hair and everyone tells me i look like you. It’s nothing i haven’t heard before, but it makes me cringe inside. I didn’t want to go to church this sunday because i didn’t want to hear it. And then every once in a while i find myself almost relieved that we lost touch because there are moments i can live my life without thinking about you. I don’t even know how to process that.

back to running.